Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Cringing and Gliding

I haven't had much to say the last few days.  Not sure why.  Maybe it's the reality of school, which begins tomorrow, looming.  This will be my last year at UCLA, finishing up my MFA in Screenwriting. And I'm entering into it with a certain, perhaps naive sense of peace.

The thing about this work -- at least for me -- is that there's lots of opportunities for fear and the self-crazy. I hate to admit it, but here's how things work, at least inside me:  you struggle to get somewhere -- an internship, a manager, work, whatever. And maybe you do get it, maybe you don't.  Then you hear about friends who win an award or get a great job.  And part of you cringes.  Even if you've gotten some great things going yourself, part of you instinctively goes into a panic.  It's a strange inverse to having a friend die and as a result thinking about your own mortality.  Seeing other people succeed makes you afraid that you're getting left behind, and you won't.  It's ridiculous, it's horrible, but that's the way it often is.

So, normally at this point -- especially entering my 3rd and final year -- I should be panicked and crazy.  What's going to happen, is it going to all work out, blah blah blah. And it's not like I have any more real certainty than I did a year ago, though I do have a little more experience, and some friends now in the business who have been amazingly encouraging and helpful.  I really couldn't ask for more -- though again, let's be clear, if I hear about a friend getting ahead of me, I will instinctively think I should be asking for more. (Again: welcome to the crazy.)

And yet here I am, looking out upon the coming quarter with a spooky ease. Maybe it's sort of like the older Jesuit who, when asked if he ever thought of leaving the Jesuits, answered, "Leave? Oh God no, it'd be too exhausting."  Maybe at this point I'm just too tired to worry!

Whatever it is, I'm not complaining.





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