Tuesday, June 14, 2011

And Now For Something Semi-Completely Different

Monday we were talking about the Old Testament.... Do you know, when Noah was loading the Ark, where did he put the bees?

A: In the arc-hives. Where else would you put them?

Speaking of Noah, did you know he was the greatest financier in the entire Bible? It's true. He floated his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Do you know who his female counterpart was, the greatest female financier in the Bible? It's Pharaoh's daughter, actually. You'll remember, she went down to the bank of the Nile and picked up a little prophet? [Oh stop groaning, you know you love it.]

Speaking of Pharaoh, have you ever wondered why he didn't let the Israelites go sooner? I mean, 10 plagues, Pharaoh? Really?  But the truth was, he was in de-Nile.

I mentioned Monday about Sarah's laughter... do you know the greatest comedian in the Bible? It wasn't her, it wasn't Jacob (though he did like to tell some tall tales). No, it's Samson. That kid, when he got going, he just brought the house down. [Insert rimshot.]

The apostles' favorite car manufacturer? Honda, clearly After the resurrection, they were all in on accord.

Greatest babysitter in the Bible? David.  I mean, come on, he rocked Goliath to sleep, didn't he?

First tennis match in the Bible? Joseph serving in Pharaoh's court. (He actually lost that set 4-6, but won the match, 4-6, 6-3, 6-1, 5-7, 7-5.)

Most flagrant law breaker? Moses, hands down. Up on Mt. Sinai, he broke all 10 commandments at once. And yo, that ain't easy.

Thanks very much! I'll be here all week! Be sure to tip your waiters!


Pete the Brit said...

Who was the largest woman in the bible? The women of 'Some area' (Samaria)

Who was the shortest man in the bible? Bildad the Shuhite (shoe- height)

Who had the stretchiest bottom in the bible? Abraham. In the book of Genesis he ties his ass to a tree and then walks for 10 miles!!!

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Jim McDermott, S.J. said...

NICE! So happy for some more puns! Thanks, Pete!