Friday, April 1, 2016

Pope Officially Condemns Time Travel

Responding to the recent announcement of Oklahoma Archbishop Lapus Lazuli that he will attempt to travel back in time to “a better past”, Pope Francis today issued a statement denouncing time travel. “All around us are people in desperate need,” the Pope told the gathered press. “Christians in search of work should look to the present.”

Lazuli, one-time archbishop in Oklahoma City currently in residence in Naples, Florida, has become known in recent years for his comments about the virtues of the past.  “We talk of it as though it’s another world, but the era of Fulton Sheen, ‘Leave it to Beaver’ and the papal tiara is still within our reach,” he said at Mass on Easter Sunday.

“That’s the resurrection we should be fighting for.”

Trump Reveals He is “Not Even Real, You Losers”


In a speech today on the campaign trail GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump announced that in fact he is not an actual person, but rather “a mass delusion brought on by you low-energy clowns”.

“You haters don’t like me? Then how about you stop talking about me and let me disappear,” Trump exclaimed.  “Seriously, think about the things I’m saying. They’re terrific, I know, I’m super classy, but do they make any sense? Any sense at all?

“Of course not, because they’re just your fears. I am a projection of your worst anxieties. That’s why I have this hair. “

“Try it, losers,” Trump said to his adoring supporters. “Think of something else for a change. Even just for a second. Watch me vanish. Trust me, it’ll be huge.”

The room then erupted as hundreds of people shouted their refusals to stop thinking about Trump.  “We love you Donald.” “You’re real to me.” “I love being afraid.”

Eventually Trump gave in and quieted the crowd with his impossibly small hands. “You guys, you’re real bunch of head cases, you know that?”

He shrugged, smiling. “It’s great.  Really great.“